Monday,
January 28, 2008

Oh no you DIDN'T!

My eyes have been aching more and more when I try to read things or do anything close-up with my glasses on, so I figured I was becoming slightly farsighted and needed to look into bifocals. Made an appointment with my optometrist, went in today...and left steaming.

1) During the exam the D.O. checked out my retinas with a light. When I commented on being able to see afterimages of my veins (which I thought was cool), he smirked and said, "That's exactly right -- where did you learn that word, psychology class?"

"Biology class, actually. (You idiot.)

2) He then handed me off to his assistant, an aggressively perky blonde who looked like she'd been ridden hard and put away wet. When she reviewed my medication and I said I wasn't taking Metformin anymore (long story), she said sotto voce, "I can tell."

ExCUSE me? Not that it's any of your business, you dried-out excuse for a vision tech, but even when I was on the Metformin it didn't do anything for my weight -- helped my ovaries a treat, though, which is why I was taking it in the first place. Oh, and bite me.

3) The D.O. then sprang two screening tests on me that cost $35 apiece without telling or asking me. When he admitted he did this, he said that he would discount them to $10 apiece, in the tones of someone dispensing largesse (I'd informed him that I didn't have vision insurance. After listening to him drip generosity at me, I was tempted to inform him that I probably made more than he did last year).

4) I ask if my eyes have changed. D.O. says they have, and in soothing tones informs me that everyone's eyes change around 40 or so and they develop issues with near vision.

(Yes, I figured that all on my lonesone, pumpkin -- I'm fat and female, not stupid.)

"See the chart? That's an eye -- it's cut in half," he informs me helpfully.

(Really? And here I thought it was a canape.)

"Now, see that oval thing--"

I'm now tired of the condescension. Channeling a blue-blood pal of mine, I say sweetly, "The lens?"

"Uh, yeah. Well, it grows like a tree and develops rings, which makes it less flexible--"

"So the muscles supporting it have to work harder to focus?"

"Uh...yeah."

He then says that I could just stay with my current glasses, or get new glasses with a light bifocal scrip for reading. I said I thought I would stay with my current glasses, thank you, and swanned out of there. I had been prepared to drop around $600 on new glasses, but I'll be damned if I give these people any more of my money. Next year, I'm going down to Nashville and having my optometrist friend down there fit me for my glasses -- at least he won't talk to me as if I were a slightly slow 10-year-old.

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