Sunday,
December 30, 2007

You thought it was all over, didn't you?

You fools! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Ahem. Now that the Christmas gifts are out of the way, I laid out and pinned the sandwich (backing, batting and top) for the King Kong twin quilt, which as you ca see at right took up pretty much all of the living room floor. I have no idea how other quilters do it, but for me pinning a bed-sized quilt requires some rather impressive acrobatics.

• Sew together, iron and lay out the backing.


• Turf the cat off the backing.


• Unfold and smooth the batting onto the backing.


• Turf the cat off the batting.


• Threaten to reinvent the catapult.


• Iron and smooth the quilt top onto the batting.


• Give up and leave the cat sprawled on one side of the quilt. At least he isn't kneading it.


• Pin the center by very carefully stepping onto the fabric and, bending pretty much double from the hips for a clear view of what you're doing, baste the sandwich of backing, batting and top together with specially bent quilting safety pins. Make sure there's no more than three inches between pins.


• Swear a lot as you jab each frigging pin into your thumb while closing it.


• Work your way outward, smoothing out the resulting wrinkles from your footsteps with a yardstick.


• Ignore the stabbing pains in your knees and hamstrings and that funny *pop* noise in your back. It probably meant something went back into joint, anyway.


• Turf the cat off his napping spot so that you can finish pinning that swatch.

Forty minutes of this will leave you sweating like a horse, I assure you. The edges can be done with me sitting on the floor in various positions, but even that requires a fair amount of stretching and leaning, so I think I got my yoga workout for the day.

And this is just for a twinsized quilt, approximately 72" by 90". Upon reflection I could probably pin a regular sized quilt at a push, but my best friend's request for a queen sized quilt based on Black Watch plaid colors will either require a house for us or a professional long arm quilter with enough pinning space.

In the midst of pinning Lee and George Martindale arrived with the promised delivery of beef. My knees and thighs were quite grateful for the chat break, and I even got to scarf down some pork fried rice brought home by my beloved (who also brought me a sound system for my new iPod, yay!) before heading back to the fukaktah pinning. But it was all worth it -- the sandwich is now rolled and ready to be fed through the sewing machine, and I have a bottle of Bailey's standing by.

Trust me, I'll need it.

Thinking about Chicago

A friend of mine emailed this in response to my burblings about the city by the lake. Most of it is absolutely true, and everything in italics is my commentary.

CHICAGO SLANG

1. Grachki (grach'-key): Chicagoese for "garage key" as in, "Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? Howmy supposta cut da grass if I don' t git intada grach?


2. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich. When made with sausage, it's a sassage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it's an Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.
   
   Well, yeah -- what else would you call an Italian Beef sammich? Although it's pronounced "sahsage" more than "sassage".


3. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in "Da Bears" or "Da Mare" -- the latter denoting Richard M. Daley, or Richie, as he's often called.
   
   Note that this does NOT apply to his dad -- Richard J. Daley was known only as "Da Mare", God rest his soul. And you did not fuck with Bridgeport, the South Side neighborhood where the Daleys lived. The rest of the South Side could be a hellhole, but shit stopped at the Bridgeport border.


4. Jewels: Not family heirlooms or a tender body region, but a popular name for one of the region's dominant grocery store chains. "I'm goin' to da Jewels to pick up some sassage."
   
   Ah, Jewels. My mother's favorite early evening destination (White Castle being the late night selection).


5. Field's: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain, is simply called "Carson's."
   
   And even though Field's is now owned by Macy's, we STILL call it "Field's."


6. Tree: The number between two and four. "We were lucky dat we only got tree inches of snow da udder night."


7. Over by dere: Translates to "over by there," a way of emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, "I got da sassage at da Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere."


8. Kaminski Park: The mispronounced name of the ballpark where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was renamed U.S. Cellular Field (da Cell).
   
   Nobody over the age of 30 calls it U.S. Cellular Field, I assure you. It's still Comiskey.


9. Frunchroom: As in, "Get outta da frunchroom wit dose muddy shoes." It's not the "parlor." It's not the "living room." In the land of the bungalow, it's the "frunchroom," a named derived, linguists believe, from "front room."
   
   Yup -- as a kid when I got home from school I had to clean the kitchen, and Stacy cleaned the front room.


10. Use: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun "you," as in "Where use goin'?"


11. Downtown: Anywhere near Da Lake, south of Da Zoo (Lincoln Park Zoo), and north of Soldier Field.
    
    And east of I-90/94.


12. Da Lake: Lake Michigan. (What other lake is there?) It's often used by local weathermen, "cooler by Da Lake."
    
    It's a freaking freshwater inland sea -- what ELSE are we going to refer to when we say "da Lake"?


13. Braht: Short for Bratwurst. "Gimme a braht wit kraut."


14. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb "say." For example, "Den he goes, 'I like this place!'"
    
    I still use this, actually.


15. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each individual's gender.
    
    And this. My British SILs were somewhat confused when I first referred to them as "you guys".


16. Pop: A soft drink. Don't say "soda" in this town. "Use wanna canna pop?"
    
    Oh, Lord -- don't EVER call a soft drink "soda" in Chicago. You'll never hear the end of it.


17. Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern burger chain. "Dose sliders I had last night gave me da runs."
    
    Which, of course, is why they're called "sliders" in the first place. Then some idiot on Madison Avenue tried to rebrand them as "Slyders." Moron.


18. Da Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.
    
    "Hey, use wanna meet us at da Taste? But not on da turd -- dey close off the Drive for da fireworks den."


19. "Jeetyet?": Translates to "Did you eat yet?"


20. Winter and Construction: Punch line to the joke, "What are the two seasons in Chicago?"


21. Cuppa Too-Tree: is Chicagoese for "a couple, two, three" which really means "a few." For example, "Hey Mike, dere any beerz left in da cooler over by dere?" "Yeh, a cuppa too-tree."


22. 588-2300: Everyone in Chicago knows this commercial jingle and the carpet company you'll get if you call that number -- Empire!
    
    Apparently when I was very little I had a crush on the Empire Carpet guy, and would toddle up to the television screen to kiss him. It's now a national company (800-588-2300), and they're using an animated version of him because he's gotta be in his late 70s by now (he's still doing the voiceover, though).


23. Junk Dror: You will usually find the 'junk drawer' in the kitchen filled to the brim with miscellaneous, but very important, junk.
    
    Doesn't everyone have a junk drawer in their kitchen?


24. Southern Illinois: Anything south of I-80. This is where Smothers' is from....
    
    Oh, hell yes. And everything south of I-80 moves slower, too.


25. Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland area are usually known just by their 'name' and not their Interstate number: the Dan Ryan ("da Ryan"), the Stevenson, the Kennedy (da "Kennedy"), the Eisenhower (da "Ike"), and the Edens (just "Edens" but Da Edens" is acceptable).
    
    "You on da Ryan today? Man, it was a @ing parking lot."


26. Gym Shoes: The rest of the country may refer to them as sneakers or running shoes but Chicagoans will always call them gym shoes!
    
    Yep, they're gym shoes now and forever. And the space between houses is called a gangway, and I still have not found another place in the country that sells proper Polish sausage (not the hot dog-like links).

This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Chicago:

• If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago.


• If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Chicago.
  
  What can I say -- Midwesterners are friendly.


• If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago.


• If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago.


• If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend, you live in Chicago.
  
  Or east to the Indiana Dunes.


• If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago.
  
  Well, that's pretty much the same situation in Texas, too.


• If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Chicago.
  
  Also a Texas phenomenon.


• If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago.
  
  This is simply necessary for survival.


• If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Chicago.
  
  I had to teach Lyndon how to use jumpers.


• If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Chicago.
  
  The year I was the Blue Fairy, my mother insisted on pinning my wings onto my winter jacket. I was SO pissed.


• If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you 're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago.
  
  Even in the rain and the cold. And they commonly weave in and out of traffic and see nothing wrong with slaloming across three lanes in a single stroke.


• If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Chicago.


• If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Chicago.
  
  This is unfortunately true.


• If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Chicago.


• If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly," you live in Chicago.

<< Back  |  Email  |  Home  |  About  |  Forward >>