Nekkid, Clueless and Feelin' Good: August 27, 2001

Monday,
August 27, 2001

Time to put the peasant bars back on the car

Oy, and oy again. I love working again, but I have GOT to find another route to work. Since the new job is out in Irving, the best way I'd found so far is to take the North Dallas Tollway down to LBJ, then LBJ out to the office. And yes, I know this isn't going to make sense to anyone who hasn't been to North Dallas -- believe me, be grateful for your ignorance -- but it's a frigging nightmare.

I mean, what is it with Dallas drivers? Do they enjoy getting into accidents? Is it not enough of a challenge if they stay farther than three inches from your back bumper? Does anyone know how to use a fukaktah turn signal? Julia sent me this a couple of weeks ago, and the statements about driving around this insane city are completely accurate:

Life in America's Fifth Largest City

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules -- Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Get on LBJ"...which has no beginning and no end.

4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid all the drivers running the red light.

6. Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We have had so much fun with that, that we have added George Bush Freeway (aka 190) and Jupiter Roads to the mix.

7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it's probably a factory defect.

8. All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way.

9. Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Marsh Lane, 15th Street and Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a few examples). For instance: what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road on the south end is known as Lake Highlands -- cross NW Hwy and it becomes Plano Rd, go about 8 miles and it's briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5.

10. If asking directions in Irving or S.E. Dallas, you must know Spanish. If in central Richardson, Chinese will be your best bet.

11. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

12. The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.

13. It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST highway. Don't let this confuse you.

14. The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.

15. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

17. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.

18. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round; if it's September, it's the Texas State Fair.

19. Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from everything as possible to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

20. If you need to ask for directions, get ALL the names of the street you are being told to turn onto.

21. If your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.

I managed to get to TBS for four months by taking overland routes and avoiding 75. There has got to be a way to do that for Irving, too -- I just have to find it. Those highways are just nuts.

And the job itself -- not much to report on my first day, other than the building is nice, everyone has been extremely friendly and helpful, I have my own cubicle, password and work email account, and I pretty much sat there and surfed the web. Not by choice -- the server that hosts the tool I'll be working with was down all day, and apparently some people weren't expecting me to start work today so there was a bit of a scrum just to get a cubicle, computer, ID, etc. set up for me (I still don't have a phone). But I should be able to start reviewing the on-line help documentation tomorrow and, like, do some real work that will justify my paycheck, so that's all well and good.

Oh, and I suspect I committed a minor fashion faux pas by wearing jeans to work -- well, everyone was wearing them when I came in last Friday, and nobody said there was a dress code so I just assumed it was a corporate casual atmosphere. After a few people gave my jeans a quick but pointed look, I belatedly remembered that Friday is the usual "dress down" day for most businesses, which probably explains the casual gear I saw during my interview. Um, oops?

It isn't an uptight place, though -- people aren't walking around in dresses and suits. It's just that most of the guys were wearing button-down shirts and khakis, and a large proportion of the women were wearing skirts or dress slacks, and I felt mildly uncomfortable every time I left my cubicle. I just wonder if any of my dress slacks are clean.

Cool tidbit -- we're about ten minutes away from the airport, so when I lean out of my cubicle opening and look west I can watch the planes land. It's gonna make getting to Philly that much easier on Wednesday, I can tell you.

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