Saturday,
August 14, 1999

I would just like to announce that not only is my kitchen floor clean, not only is my entire kitchen clean, but I've also washed down all the cabinet doors with Murphy's Oil Soap. And then I baked cookies, and I have plans of attack on the blue bathroom and front hallway tonight.

So why am I getting so domestic all of a sudden? For a moment, I wondered if my mother-in-law's dreams had finally come true, but then I realized that no, it was the opposite end of the cycle.

GUYS -- DISCUSSION OF "THAT MONTHLY FEMALE THING" AHEAD. IF THIS SQUICKS YOU, HIT 'N' WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

I should have realized my period was coming around -- I've had an unbelievable craving for chocolate (and while I like choccies, it's not an obsession with me), and as of an hour ago it felt like the Serbs had resumed hostilities in my lower abdomen. Some of you will wonder, "Well, gee, I can understand the situation, but didn't she know it was coming? Doesn't she keep a calendar or something?" Unfortunately, I come from a long line of women who laugh wearily at the concept of a 28-day-cycle. It comes when it comes, it stays as long as it bloo. . .um, damn well likes to, and then it leaves without a fare-thee-well.

Abnormal? Not for me, according to my doc -- my innards appear to be healthy, just irregular. He shrugs and says I can go on the Pill anytime I want to regulate it, but that kinda defeats the purpose of increasing the size of the Fletcher brood. So I just grin and stock up on the necessary accessories. I mean, I'm a lot luckier than some women -- I don't seem to get really painful cramps (the above comment about Serb artillery is poetic license), and flow is only occasionally heavy. I must admit, I however, I do look on in envy at those who can calculate to the hour when the cardinal is about to arrive. Must make their lives a hell of a lot more organized.